About a year ago, I realized that I was going to have to start preparing for the most difficult decision of my life. For months, my relationship with God consisted of me crying, begging, and bartering with Him to change the people around me so that I wouldn’t have to do it. I didn’t realize He was going to change my heart instead.
I didn’t want to be a failure. I had wanted to be a better example for my girls. I wanted so desperately to honor my commitment both to God and man, and pleaded with God to honor that choice. I dreaded the judgement, the guit, the humiliation, the heartache, and I was terrified of the backlash.
But there came a point some months back when God reminded me of His grace. The grace that covers sin. The grace that freed my soul. The grace that overcame the law, so that in times like this, my heart didn’t have to be burdened by guilt over another’s horrible actions.
I refuse to raise my girls to think that living as a victim of fear, hate and violence is an acceptable way to live in any relationship with any human being. I refuse to let them forget their worth because someone else has driven it out of them, or because I didn’t protect them as I should have. I refuse to raise them to believe that they should endure any kind of hate, hoping one day they can change someone’s hate to love. That should never be their burden to bear. I refuse to let them become jaded or wounded by a flase concept of love and my own shortcomings. God kept reminding me, kept guiding me, kept loving me through it all; kept protecting my heart as I battled and juggled and prated for the person who had torn my soul apart. But what I didn’t see what what He was doing all along, deep underneath the surface, was allowing me to let go. All the fear, all the hate, all the seven years of soul ties and chaings and pain were being broken, slowly, one at a time. Becasue, as He likes to remind me, He sees the bigger picture. He placed all those tiny, little minute details that I had buried so that I could be content in what I thought was right? He’s not only reminding me of them, but He’s fulfilling them. Every last one, in an incredibly perfect way that only He can. he’s healing and restoring and loving us girls in ways I never dreamed. My girls are experiencing life in a whole new, healthy way, and to see the light in theri eyes, rather than all the sadness and fear is everything a mother could want for her babies.
I will no longer be a victim. I will no longer live in all that fear.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I know Who holds it, and I know that I have four girls whom I will never let forget how valuable, how precious, how glorious their hearts truly are. I know they have someone who will protect them always, love them deeply, guide them gently, teach them daily, and show them how they deserve to be treated – becasue they’ll see it in how he treats me ever day.