About a year ago, I realized that I was going to have to start preparing for the most difficult decision of my life.  For months, my relationship with God consisted of me crying, begging, and bartering with Him to change the people around me so that I wouldn’t have to do it.  I didn’t realize He was going to change my heart instead.

I didn’t want to be a failure.  I had wanted to be a better example for my girls.  I wanted so desperately to honor my commitment both to God and man, and pleaded with God to honor that choice.  I dreaded the judgement, the guit, the humiliation, the heartache, and I was terrified of the backlash.

But there came a point some months back when God reminded me of His grace.  The grace that covers sin.  The grace that freed my soul.  The grace that overcame the law, so that in times like this, my heart didn’t have to be burdened by guilt over another’s horrible actions.

I refuse to raise my girls to think that living as a victim of fear, hate and violence is an acceptable way to live in any relationship with any human being.  I refuse to let them forget their worth because someone else has driven it out of them, or because I didn’t protect them as I should have.  I refuse to raise them to believe that they should endure any kind of hate, hoping one day they can change someone’s hate to love.  That should never be their burden to bear.  I refuse to let them become jaded or wounded by a flase concept of love and my own shortcomings.  God kept reminding me, kept guiding me, kept loving me through it all; kept protecting my heart as I battled and juggled and prated for the person who had torn my soul apart.  But what I didn’t see what what He was doing all along, deep underneath the surface, was allowing me to let go.  All the fear, all the hate, all the seven years of soul ties and chaings and pain were being broken, slowly, one at a time.  Becasue, as He likes to remind me, He sees the bigger picture.  He placed all those tiny, little minute details that I had buried so that I could be content in what I thought was right?  He’s not only reminding me of them, but He’s fulfilling them.  Every last one, in an incredibly perfect way that only He can.  he’s healing and restoring and loving us girls in ways I never dreamed.  My girls are experiencing life in a whole new, healthy way, and to see the light in theri eyes, rather than all the sadness and fear is everything a mother could want for her babies.

I will no longer be a victim.  I will no longer live in all that fear.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know Who holds it, and I know that I have four girls whom I will never let forget how valuable, how precious, how glorious their hearts truly are.  I know they have someone who will protect them always, love them deeply, guide them gently, teach them daily, and show them how they deserve to be treated – becasue they’ll see it in how he treats me ever day.

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“Good love is when making your partner happy makes you happy.

Good love is when you trust your partner to do the right thing for you – and your family – every time.

Good love is comfortable.

Good love is mutual.

Good love is something you protect and honor.  And when times are tough, you draw strength from it.

Good love makes a murky situation clear: you do right by your partner, and everything else falls into place.

Good love is easy.
Life is hard enough,  Good love makes it easier.”

I don’t like to pull people’s covers, especially in ways like social media, but i can’t stand keeping my mouth shut and not defending myself and my children anymore.  i don’t deserve the hatred and lies that have been spread about me now for YEARS, and especially the most recent accusations and actions that were taken against me and my littles within the last few months.  I am a wonderful mother, and a dam good partner.  I love my babies with all of my heart and they are and have always been my top priority!  Before you  start pointing fingers, calling names, and spreading vicious, awful, devilish lies, be sure you have your own life in order.  Make sure your slate is clean.  Don’t lie about my relationship to make your lack of any decent relationship look better.  Don’t lie about my motherhood if you don’t have custody of any of your children.  don’t think you can keep my children from me just to fill some emptiness in your soul.  Don’t fight to make me look horrible to make yourself feel better.  Don’t degrade my integrity and character when yours is less than savory at most.  My family is my life.  I will take whatever measures I have to ensure that my relationship is whole and Godly and thriving mo matter what, even if it means making some of the hardest decisions of my life and entrusting it all to My Savior.  I will take whatever measures I have to in order to keep my girls safe, even if it means keeping them from people who seek to use them as tools to promote their own selfish hatred.  I’m tired of sitting back and letting the world try and tear apart what my God has put together without standing up for myself and the people I love.  Support me and my family or don’t.  I don’t care.  I don’t care, but don’t expect me to continue to try any longer to make things work for everyone.  I’m taking my man and my babies and staying as far away as humanly possible, no longer allowing any kind of this poison to continue.  The. Freaking. End.

Living Essentially – My Journey through Labor and Delivery

If you follow Nap Time Musings and Fumings on Facebook at all, you know about my transition to using essential oils within this last year.  I was never much of a health nut, and certainly not in the all natural, hippie sort of way.  Essential oils seemed like just another one of those pyramid schemes that only worked for half the people that used them, and the other half just sold them for the money.  However, throughout my pregnancy, I discovered time and time again that they were so much more than just an easy way for all these stay at home mamas to make extra cash.  I was so convinced of the need for them in my home, that I decided to use them as my primary medicine during my third trimester, and during my labor and delivery as well.  As long as there were no complications, I was bound and determined to have no other pain management, including an epidural.

Of course, not everything always goes as planned, and thanks to pitocin-induced contractions my plans slightly changed.  I went into labor on July 6 when my water began leaking pretty consistently, however I was sent home because I wasn’t FEELING my contractions, and the nurse on duty was not convinced my water had broken.  I was scheduled for induction the next morning, and I was insistent on simply having my water broken.  By the next morning, my water had not stopped leaking, and we were en route with my box full of oils and my diffuser, ready to get this thing rolling.

Once we were settled in our room, my diffuser was running with Balance and Serenity, my crock pot was heating up with my Tummy Water, and all the rest of my rubs, mists and rollerballs were within my arms reach.  The nurse and midwife on duty that morning were in agreement with my husband and I that my water had indeed broken the day before, but much to my dismay, they were all convinced that because my contractions weren’t coming strong enough or consistent enough to bring on labor and avoid infection, I needed a dose of pitocin to speed things up.

I went a few hours after the pitocin with absolutely positively NOTHING more happening, not even a twinge, despite the machine telling my I was having more contractions than before.  I credit my Tummy Water with that one.  You can find the recipe below, but I simply had water heating in a crock pot, with a blend of soothing and pain relieving oils, and about ten washcloths soaking in it at a time.  I would place one on my belly at a time, and simply rotate them out when they cooled.  And then it happened.

Out of NOWHERE, it was happening.  I have gone through labor two other times, and neither time compared to the contractions I had with the pitocin, and I had no chance to adjust.  They went from 0-10 in one round.  I avoided epidural for about a half hour, and I’ll admit I finally caved, even though I was not happy about it.  I did, however, continue to use my oils even more than I already had been, and I am happy to say that their effectiveness kept me from needing anymore than one dose of my epidural, and on top of that, kept me from experiencing any tearing, and I believe, aided in the epidural wearing off sooner than expected.  I experienced no dizziness or nausea after the fact, and left the hospital not needing a single prescription for pain.

I have kept a list of all the blends and bottles I put together and used, and am so excited to share them with you now.  I cannot tell you how much of a help these little miracles were, and how much they aided in my healing process after I left the hospital.  If natural labor is something you want for you and your little one, look into using oils the way I did.  I am forever convinced of their effectiveness, and hope to avoid synthetic medication in my family as often as realistically possible from here on out.

1.  Deep Pain blended rub
Deep Blue Oil and Rub,  Frankincense, Wintergreen, Coconut Oil
I used this blend for back labor and leg pain.  During my contractions, once they actually began anyway, I had intense leg pain that wouldn’t stop, so intense that it almost drown out the pain in my belly.  I applied this rub to my entire thigh, then put a Tummy Water Washcloth on top until the washcloth cooled.  Amazingly, this blend almost entirely removed the leg pain within seconds, and was so soothing for my back labor, especially right before the epidural when I had to sit hunched over darn pillow for what seemed like FOOOOOOREVERRRR. 🙂

2.  Massage Blended Rub for general pain relief
Aromatouch, Wintergreen, Serenity, Coconut Oil
Although I don’t have a specific story on the success of this blend, I believe it’s because I was applying it EVERYWHERE, all over myself, and especially after delivery, which is probably why my body was not achy and sore in the hours following the birth.  The aroma was also so calming that it was relieving just to smell it!

3.  Contracting Blended Rub, Tummy Water
Lavender, Frankinscence, Clarysage, Wintergreen, Coconut Oil
This blend was used both in a rub, and in the water I kept in the crock pot.  The only difference was that I just didn’t use the coconut oil in the water.  I used the rub directly on my belly during labor, and it was intensified by the warm washcloths that had been sitting in the Tummy Water.  I continued to use both after my delivery to help with the cramping as my uterus continued contracting and shrinking for the next few days that we were in the hospital.  Like the Massage Blend, the smell was so incredibly relaxing and soothing.

4.  Peppermint Blend Rollerball
My nausea lifesaver!!! I was super nauseas for quite awhile, and had one good upchuck after my first dose of pitocin, however this little rollerball was fantastic in soothing the nausea throughout the entire laboring process, kept my body temperature under control, and after the epidural was removed, kept me from filling up trash cans!  I consistently applied it to the back of my neck, inside of my wrists, upper lip (for constant aroma therapy), and along my spine.

5.  Acute Pain Blend Rollerball
Peppermint, Deep Blue, FCO
I used this one after the whole deal was said and done.  My ribs on my left side had stabbing pains, and my shoulders were exhausted.  This applied atop my Past Tense blend and I had nearly instant relief.

6.  Past Tense Blend Rollerball (doTerra)
Head and Neck aches be gone!  Early on in my labor, I started getting tension pain all along my lower neck and shoulders.  A quick little roll on of this baby and I was ready to go again.

7.  Peri Care Blend Spray Bottle
Water, Fractionated Coconut Oil, Frankincense, Helichrysum, Melaleuca, Clarysage, Lavender
This is probably my favorite little bottle out of all of them.  I used this for two weeks prior to delivery as often as possible, as well as during labor, and the final stage of delivery as her head was finally coming through.  She had her daddy’s head, which made stretching even more imperative.  This little bottle, along with my spray bottle of Frankincense and water, were life savers.  Even though the longest part of my labor ended up being the actual delivery due to the size of her head, I never tore, and only needed one stitch at the bottom where my midwife clipped about an eighth of an inch.  My bleeding had stopped entirely by the time I left the hospital, and I had no pain by the next morning!

8.  Energy Blend Spray Bottle
Elevation, Peppermint, Wild Orange, Water

9.  Elevation Spray Bottle
Elevation, Water

10.  Balance Spray Bottle
Balance, Water

11.  Serenity Spray Bottle
Serenity, Water

12.  Frankinscense Spray Bottle
Frankincense, Water

13..  Peppermint
14.  Frankinscense
15.  Lavender
16.  Helichrysm
17.  Melaleuca
18.  Clarysage
19.  Wild Orange
20.  Tangerine
21.  Spearmint
22.  Wintergreen
23.  Deep Blue
24.  Serenity
25.  Elevation
26.  Balance
27.  Aromatouch
28.  Eucalyptus
29.  Deep Blue Rub
30.  Tummy Water

 

Thoughts from a Farmer’s Market

Grace.  That’s been a tough one for me lately.  “They will know you love Me by your fruit.”  Love.  Joy.  Peace.  Patience.  Kindness.  Goodness.  Faithfulness.  Gentleness.  Self-control.  Offering the other cheek.  Truth in love.  Blessed are the peacemakers.
We’ve been wronged recently, by many people, and I want nothing more than to walk away and shelter my children from the cruelty of people who claimed to love us.
But how does that make me any different?  How will they see Jesus in me, how will my children see Jesus in me, if I’m furthering this divide?
“They will know you love Me by your fruit.”

Precious Moments

image

Because when our three year old Wakes up at 6am saying she doesn’t wanna sleep alone and asks to sleep with us because it’s an unfamiliar place, I let Daddy put her in bed between us, even though it means I won’t actually get the last hour of sleep before my alarm goes off because I’ll be trying to hard not to fall off the bed.  But it’s ok because she curls up into me and goes right back to sleep and her breathing and her forehead against mine and her little hands that keep pinching my arms to self soothe as if they are her fleece blankie make me wish I could let her do this more often. And so obviously, I take a picture in the dark and attempt to edit in enough light to see us all…

“Real” Dads and “Real” Moms aren’t Made by DNA

“Real” mom.
“Real” dad.

Can I just say how much I hate those terms??

Being raised by adoptive parents from the day I was born, I learned that what made a parent “real” had nothing whatsoever to do with DNA, and everything to do with who loved me, cared about me, took care of me, watched me grow, disciplined me, taught me, RAISED me.  I can’t count how many people would ask about my “real” mom or “real” dad when referring to the biological mother who put me up for adoption before I was born and the man who got her pregnant in the first place.  But she wasn’t my real mom, he wasn’t my real dad, they were simply the means by which God gave me to my real parents.  I was raised in full awareness of my adoption, and never remember actually being told.  I simply have always known that my real parents loved me enough to choose me and raise me when someone else could not.

I still field questions regularly about “real” parents… whether about my own, my relationship with my first daughter who I put up for adoption when I gave birth to her at 18, or my three year old daughter’s “real” dad, the subject comes up frequently.  Although I don’t typically tell anyone outright that I hate referring to birth parents as “real” parents, I do mildly correct them in my response.

Because you see, my real parents are the two that actually parented me.  My first daughter’s are the one’s who welcomed her into their home and accepted her as their own.  My three year old’s real dad is the man I married, who chose her and I for life, who loves her as his own, and who will raise her with the deep love that only a Daddy can.

Now please understand that this is not without acknowledgement and thankfulness for the birth parents in our lives.  My own parents would not have children if not for two beautiful birth mothers who made the right choice to bless others with children to call their own.  A wonderful family in Maui would not have a beautiful little blonde daughter if not for my own shortcomings.  And my husband and I would not share such an incredible daughter if not for her birth father, and his absence.  With birth parents comes the responsibility of sharing truth and love with the children we are so gifted with.  Birth parents gave us the lives we raise, and God chose us to be the parents to love, cherish and protect those lives.

Honestly, I have no interest in finding my birth father or reconnecting with my birth mother at this time.  That is not a road I feel I need to take.

My real mom, dad and I on my wedding day
My real mom, dad and I on my wedding day

I may or may not get to see my birth daughter again, and that’s ok.  I have no right or tie to her now, as I chose to give her a life that she deserved.

My birth daughter, with her real mom, sisters and dad.  Christmas 2014
My birth daughter, with her real mom, sisters and dad. Christmas 2014

As for my little J.R., maybe one day as an adult she will be curious enough to venture down that road.  But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that if she does, she will do so knowing full well the love of her real Daddy, and in the end be deeply grateful for the life and love that he has given her.  No one else will ever come close to taking his place in her life.

My family
My family

Because real families are those whose bond holds them together, not blood.

J.R. with her real Daddy and I and her two older brothers.  April 2014
J.R. with her real Daddy and I and her two older brothers. April 2014

Homemade Cilantro Lime Dressing

Ingredients
1 cup loosely packed cilantro, stems removed and roughly chopped
1/2 avocado
1/4 cup plain Greek yogurt
2 Tbsp. fresh lime juice (about 1/2 lime), more to taste
1-2 garlic cloves, or minced garlic, about 1.5 Tbsp.
1/4 cup olive oil
1 1/2 tsp. rice vinegar
2 tsp. cumin
2 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp. salt

Recommended: cumin, honey/agave

Directions
Puree all ingredients in a blender or food processor until smooth.
Taste and adjust seasonings if necessary.images-2

Power of Positive Thinking

Nothing fancy, but just a few thoughts on this surprisingly warm day of rest…

Next Sunday, I’ll be praising my Jesus with the best of my best in the warm sun at the best church around.  Until then-
A huge thank you and I love you to everyone in my life who is always there, always supportive, always positive, always encouraging.  As a wife and mom, I’m working hard to keep my family going in a positive, uplifting, motivated direction, encouraging each other rather than the seemingly constant barrage of negativity that surrounds us.  And those of you who choose to contribute to that in our lives keep us on our toes, realistic but determined to make the best of our lives for our babies and each other.  I really couldn’t keep my sanity if it weren’t for you.  I’ve seen God working out all the little stressful details in our lives, and it’s such a blessing to see how He uses my chosen family to do that so much of the time.  I love you all, and can’t wait to be home. ❤

Taken from today’s Facebook musing:
www.facebook.com/naptimemusingsandfumings